My husband, Mike, loves retirement. Right up until about 1:30 in the afternoon.
He said that to a friend recently, and it stuck with me. His mornings have a routine: coffee, a devotional, the gym, lunch. Then 1:30 rolls around, and he doesn’t quite know what to do with himself.
I’ve never had a 1:30 problem (except maybe needing a nap once in a while). When I get bored, I have my blog to play around with, and it really does keep me busy.
Mike recently sold his company and is officially “retired.” So I’ve been wondering: are we on the same page? Do we want the same things out of retirement?
This whole train of thought started with a podcast. I was listening to Morningstar’s The Long View, and the episode was about using annuities to create a “forever paycheck.” That’s not something I’d personally do. But the show mentioned a Wall Street Journal article called “He Says Maine, She Says Florida.” That title stuck with me and inspired me to write this post.
The Big Things We Agree On
Mike and I agree on more than I expected.
Where to live. We love Florida winters and we love our grandkids. So we split our time, about seven months in Florida and the rest in Illinois near family.
Golf. We both love it, so we joined a course in Florida. It’s our best shared hobby.
Travel. We both have bucket lists. So each year one of us picks somewhere new, and we go together (and with friends).
We’d spent years planning the money and the location. But nobody told us how to plan the afternoons at 1:30.
Where We’re Different
Mike recharges with yoga, a good map, Wordle, or a puzzle. I recharge by staying busy: a bike ride or spin class, my blog, volunteering with Breakthrough T1D, and serving on a couple of finance committees in our community.
I’m high energy. He’s moderate energy. I’m an early bird. He’s a night owl.
Neither way is wrong. But we’re learning that retiring together. It doesn’t mean we have to spend every hour the same way.
Here’s the part I’m less proud of. Right around 1:30 is when I’ve caught myself handing Mike projects just to keep him busy. Today it was to vacuum the upstairs and get the dog’s pills refilled. It took me a while to see that he didn’t need me to fill his afternoon. He needed to find what fills it for him, the way my blog does for me.
When Your Bucket Lists Don’t Match
This part isn’t about how big your budget is or how many homes you have. Whether you’re in one house or splitting time, on a generous budget or a careful one, the day-to-day part is the same for everyone.
A Fidelity Investments survey found that 53% of working couples have conflicting expectations about retirement savings goals. (See article HERE). So if you and your spouse don’t see things the same way, you’re in good company.
Differences do show up in the budget, though. If one of you wants a trip every year and the other would rather stay home, you need a plan that makes room for both. Retirement works best when it’s built for two people, not one.
That’s how the couple in the WSJ article worked it out. She wanted to travel and he didn’t. So she took some trips with girlfriends. And they still planned the destinations they both wanted to see together.
8 Questions to Ask Each Other Before You Retire
Mike and I got the big things right: where to live, golf, travel. What caught us off guard was everything underneath, meaning how we’d actually spend our days. These are the questions I wish we’d asked each other sooner:
- What does an ideal day look like for you, five years into retirement? What about 1:30 on a Tuesday?
- Do we want one home base, or to split time between places?
- What’s on each of our bucket lists? Are we open to sometimes traveling separately?
- What hobbies or interests do I need room for, even if my spouse doesn’t share them?
- Will our natural rhythms (early bird vs. night owl, high energy vs. moderate) clash? How do we make room for both?
- Do we each have our own source of purpose, like a project, a volunteer role, or a committee? Or is one of us quietly relying on the other to fill the day?
- How much downtime feels restful to each of us, and how much starts to feel restless?
- Does our travel and lifestyle budget reflect both of our bucket lists, not just one?
Before you can get on the same page with a spouse, it helps to get clear on what you want for yourself. My free workbook, 5 Mindset Shifts for a Confident Retirement, walks you through that.
A Retirement Alignment Worksheet
This is the worksheet Mike and I wish we’d filled out years ago. It’s printable and made for scribbling on over coffee together.
FAQ
What if we don’t agree on one of these questions?
Try the approach from the WSJ couple: build in the version each of you needs. That could mean travel with friends and travel together, or a shared hobby and separate ones. You don’t have to force one plan onto both of you.
What if my spouse is bored in retirement?
Resist the urge to fill their day for them. I learned that one the hard way. Instead, help them find their own “1:30 activity,” such as a class, a volunteer role, a part-time project, or a standing tee time with friends.
How often should we revisit this?
At least once a year. Also revisit it after any big change, like one spouse fully retiring.
Does disagreeing on some of this mean our retirement is in trouble?
Not at all. According to the Fidelity survey, most couples have some mismatch in retirement expectations. The goal isn’t zero disagreement. The goal is to talk about it before it turns into daily friction.
Related reads: Social Security’s Hidden Deficit: Is Waiting Until 70 Still Worth It?
